I am desperately seeking a new job. My performance at my current job is getting ridiculously slack because I just don't want to be there anymore. I applied for a job at an AFL club yesterday working in their Sponsorship/Commercial department and it's a role that I would be perfect for. I never wanted to work in AFL, but now I'm realising that I just have to take whatever opportunities come to me and run with them. I really want to get this job because I think I would actually love it and be great at it, and that's all that I want in a job. I don't want to keep feeling like every day I waste eight hours of my life to make a basic minimum wage after spending four years at university to get into this industry. I am over it.

I am a tomboy. The end. But recently, I'm also becoming a lot more of a girl. I own more pairs of heels than I do Converse for the first time in my life, I own more skirts and dresses than I do jeans and pairs of shorts, and yet most of the tops in my wardrobe are still printed t-shirts, that I usually pair with a blazer. I will never be a girly girl, I don't giggle like a school girl when I'm talking to boys, I all out laugh when something is funny. I don't twirl my hair when I'm talking to a boy I like, I'm more inclined to be twirling my hair out of nerves when I'm being made to talk about myself.  I don't hold back parts of my personality because I'm scared of what they might think, I love sport, I love football, and when I didn't have music as such a big part of my life could have named you the starting line-up of every club in the English Premier League. I'm not going to be anything but who I am, and because of that, I am sitting at home by myself on a Sunday night, typing a blog that is actually about nothing.

things that I learned the other day:

• Don't be too close friends with a guy or people will ask you if you're dating, even if they're four years younger than you and the idea of the two of you dating is laughable to anyone else that you tell the story too.
• Boys either consider me as a girl, or as one of the boys, there is no real inbetween.
• I like being 'one of the boys', and I hate female gossip.
• Guys want a girl who enjoys watching sport, but not one that actually knows all that much about it so that they can play the man and teach them all about it, for this reason, I'm screwed.

It's not that I hate my job, but at the end of the day, I hate my job. And this is why: the things that I have done today include and are mostly limited to: cleaning up after other people, collating numbers, alphabetising forms, processing payments on forms and answering the phone... None of this requires any real mental capacity whatsoever and I'm getting worn down by the fact that I don't have to use my brain for most of the day. I joke about it, but I seriously am losing vocabulary and brain power in the fact that I do such tedious bs all day, five days a week. I've tried to get out and find another job, but that hasn't seemed to work, there isn't very much around at the moment for me to apply for and I'm currently just trying to work out what the hell I'm supposed to do.

Welcome to day one of the rest of your life. Every day is an opportunity to make good on the plans that you have set for yourself, and every day there is an excuse not to. The most important thing is to get rid of the excuses. Life is not about excuses, life is about opportunities and taking the right steps to turn those opportunities into realities. And yet, I sit here writing this, knowing full well that there are so many opportunities out there that I keep making excuses not to take; and every day I waste hours doing things that will have no lasting impact on my life instead of simply picking up my guitar and playing some music, or sending people links to my music so that they can listen to them and help me improve them. I am my own worst enemy, it is as simple as that. My body, mind and heart sit here saying, it's time to make it happen, and they still fight themselves, telling each other that it will be fruitless, that nothing will come of it. How am I supposed to get other people to believe in me, if I find it hard to believe in myself sometimes?

back at work, back to being the jack of all trades

The first thing I do when I get to work of a morning, like most people these days, is open my email. It confused me when I opened my email and instead of getting Thunderbird, I got the Outlook that I've been supposed to be getting for the past year or so. Then I went to open one of my shortcuts and got an 'Error: this file location does not exist' or something along those lines. Apparently our server got replaced over the weekend so that it now works properly and with full versions of programs. That is awesome, except that as it turns out, no one in my office knows much about IT, and so I spent the morning putting people's signatures back into their Outlooks and re-shortcutting documents from our file server. Yes, they had been working since Monday without proper signatures on their emails and apparently not knowing how to access half the files. The dumbest thing is, I'm sure most of them would actually know how to do these things if they didn't know they had me to do it. Now, my fun task for the next week is to move all our files from one set of folders to another so that they're better catalogued. This is what I spent five years at university for. Awesome.

I spent last night writing up some goals for the next six months, the next year and the next ten years to try and motivate some change in my life. Will be interesting to see how I go with that.

On the music front, I'm going to spend tonight moving files from my old computer to my new one, so that I can install the driver for my interface onto my new laptop and start getting some demos done on there. Next stop is a portable hard drive so that I don't run the risk of losing things should my laptop crash. Then it's on to working on songs for my next gig in two weeks and getting back into the swing of actually doing my scales every day.

thoughts from the sky

(written earlier this afternoon)

I'm sitting on the plane home from a week in Sydney, and the last week has been awesome. It has been a great, relaxing week, that has enabled me to get my head clear and sorted out. It has also been amazing to wake up to the sunshine every morning, and the temperatures getting over 15 degrees. I know that I'm not going to get much of that for the next few weeks (at least) in all likelihood, so it was nice to get it while I could.

I love going home to Sydney and seeing all my family, but the more I go back there, the more that I realise that it's not home anymore. Melbourne is home. As much as I do miss my family, the week has made me realise that I don't want to move back to Sydney anytime soon.

Now for me, it's down to business. It's time for me to put a focus on my life and work towards it. It's time to stop talking about doing things and actually do it. I need to get my body to a point of exhaustion each day so that it will sleep properly at night, and whatever I have to do to do that, I will do. I am going to get myself back into physical shape and I am going to spend most nights working on music and my voice. I need to grow confidence in my abilities and my ability to make this work, and so, that's where I'm going to start. It's time to let it be known that music is what I want to do, and what I want to work for.